Be An Active Listener

The best way to listen is actively. Being an active listener requires you to listen not only with your ears, but also with your eyes and heart engaged. It means giving your full attention to what loved ones are saying, following their train of thought, and responding with discernment and sensitivity. It also requires you to empathize — putting yourself in their situation and understanding where they are coming from.

Understanding where they are coming from does not necessarily mean agreeing with them. What it means is that you are trying to see things from their perspective and exploring the thoughts and feelings that may be underneath their words.

The act of listening in itself is a good way to emotionally support a loved one, so do not be discouraged if you feel that you are not a very good listener yet. Not everyone has the gift of listening well, but the good news is that it is a learned skill. What is important is that you sincerely desire to help your loved one; that is a good enough foundation as you learn how to listen well. 

Here are seven practical tips to help you practice active listening.

1.Stop talking.

Sometimes, you may be tempted to start talking and telling your loved ones what to do without hearing them out first. I remember when a friend who knew what I was going through decided to meet up and pray for me. When we met, she ended up talking more than me! Let us be more intentional about listening and not assume that we already know what is going on with our loved ones. Oftentimes, what your loved ones need is someone who simply listens in silence — there’s no need to give advice or say comforting words. Listening to them talk is not like being on a radio show, where silence is considered “dead air” and needs to be filled with words. If your loved one is at a loss for words, it is acceptable to just sit in silence with them. Your presence can be comfort enough, as it makes them feel that they are not alone in their anxiety. Some may appreciate some sort of physical connection, like having you hold their hand or patting their back. 

2.Don’t interrupt too soon.

Silence need not be total; you can make comments, clarify, or ask questions. But be sensitive with your timing. Do not interrupt too soon after they have started talking. It is also not helpful to make assumptions or form your ownc onclusions right away based on what they  have shared. Sometimes, we assume that we already understand their issue or situation before they have even finished talking. Whether or not our assumption is correct, it is wiser to refrain from interrupting. Let your loved one feel listened to, supported, and understood first. This is really about them, not about us. Our part is to be patient and allow them to pour their hearts out to us. Again, be comfortable with the silence that may come after they share, as they may still be absorbed in their emotions or need time to think. For a lot of people, simply being able to express what is in their hearts is therapeutic. You are not obligated to solve your loved ones’ problems on the spot, and they may not expect you to do so anyway.

3.Get rid of distractions.

Giving our undivided attention is crucial to active listening.What are some places, situations, or things that distract you from giving your full attention? Consider these when you are with a loved one. The mobile phone is a common distraction. It is best to set your phone on silent mode and put it away when you are with your loved one. Find a place that does not have people walking around or talking. Meet with them during a time where the probability of you being interrupted is low. Do not ask them to talk while doing something else, and assure them that you are listening. Trying to listen while being distracted does not work, and may only cause your loved one to feel devalued, especially when they are at a sensitive time in their life.

4.Pay attention to their emotions.

Listening is more than just focusing on the words being said. We tend to listen more closely when we don’t want to miss important details, but more than our loved one’s spoken words, we should also pay attention to the emotions behind those words. This is especially true for those who are feeling anxious or worried. Do not simply take their words at face value; explore what they mean or don’t mean. I had a teenage client who was failing in math. According to her, she had been telling her mom that she needed help with math. However, her  mom insisted that her daughter had never asked her for help. As I explored further, I realized that the daughter had expressed her need indirectly, by telling her mom that she has an upcoming math test, or that she hated math, or that the math exam was difficult. Her mom did not realize that her daughter was already asking for help — she only heard her daughter’s spoken words but not the plea behind them. If the mom had paid more attention, or had at least asked her daughter why she hated math and really listened to her answer, that may have led to her daughter being more open to sharing her struggles the way she did with me in our session.

5.Accept that you don’t have all the solutions.

Your role is to be a caregiver, an active listener. Resist the urge to solve all their problems. Assuming that you have to help them solve their problems will keep you too occupied with trying to find an answer or a solution. This will keep you from listening attentively. 

6.Make use of the phrase “I wonder.”

Taking care of your loved ones through their time of anxiety doesn’t always mean you agree with their thoughts. There will be times when you will feel the need to challenge what they share, especially if —after processing what they have said —you realize that their thought process or conclusions are doing them more harm than good. However, you need to think of the best way to make them realize this.They can be emotionally sensitive and could clam up on and not share with you anymore if you sound too imposing or judgmental. Take a gentle approach when challenging their unhelpful thoughts. Try using a softer tone and the phrase, “I wonder.” Saying “I wonder” means that we are unsure or uncertain, but would like to explore a suggestion with them, giving them a chance to consider our thoughts and opinions about their situation. For example, “I wonder if that is what she really meant” sounds less imposing than“I don’t think that’s what she meant.” And “I wonder if you could reconsider your decision to confront your best friend” sounds less forceful than “You should not confront your best friend.” Of course, it is necessary that you have listened carefully before you decide to offer a different opinion.

7.Give affirmation.

Affirming a loved one when they share is also a good way to encourage them to talk. Nodding and saying“I understand”, “tell me more about it”, or simply “uh-hmm” can motivate them to keep talking, especially the quieter ones.However, saying “I understand” does not mean you agree with what they are saying; it simply means that you understand why they feel the way they do. You can also clarify or paraphrase what you have heard to confirm that you clearly understood what they are saying. 

This is an excerpt from the book Companioning: Walking With Our Loved Ones Through Their Anxiety by Joyce Piap-Go with Jojie Wong. This is available at OMF Lit Bookshops, shop.omflit.com, Shopee, and Lazada for P150.

Do you have loved ones who are hurting or anxious? Do you want to help them but don’t where to start?

You are not alone.

Companioning: Walking With Our Loved Ones Through Their Anxiety offers practical advice anchored on Biblical truths and compassion. Here you can find some useful tips to help you minister to loved ones who are struggling with their mental health, such as:

What type of Listener you can be

Responding to Stress

Reframing Thought Patterns

Practical Ways to Ease Anxiety … and more

Read on and see how you can share God's grace with your loved ones in a practical and caring manner.