How long will I have to wait?
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? (Psalm 13:1,2)
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? (Psalm 13:1,2)
I can identify with the cry of the psalmist very well.
In ancient times, when people say, “how long?” it’s really long. Remember Abraham? It took twenty-five years before the fulfillment of God’s promise came. In depression, you will definitely cry, “how long?”
Notice how many times the word “wait” is repeated in Psalm 130:
• “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope” (Psalm 130:5, ESV).
• “I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning” (Psalm 130:6).45
I would not have appreciated this emphasis on waiting had it not been for my depression. Our experiences are crucial in grasping the meaning of the Word of God. At the same time, the Word of God sheds light on our own experiences.
Earlier, we learned from Psalm 130 the importance of acknowledging where we are and admitting our depression. We also learned that crying out to God in the form of a lament is an expression of hope. Sin and forgiveness also play an important part in the process of healing.
Here, the emphasis on waiting reminds us that healing is a process. It does not mean that when we have lamented, cried out, and acknowledged our depression, that all will be well. Healing takes time. Sometimes it takes just a few months, but it can also take many years.
Unfortunately, waiting is something that is not popular in our modern society. We no longer know how to wait. We surround our lives with all kinds of technology that allows us to get what we want with the click of a button. We become impatient when we don’t get what we want right away. Now, two seconds is already a long time. I know of a young man who kicks his PC when it does not respond in two seconds.
Life is so fast. We are shown images and information that are gone in a split second. We watch sad news about a mother who lost her son in an EJK and immediately the “Chika Minute” music plays. We are taken from one emotion to another, from one extreme to another, with no time to pause. Everything is fleeting. As a result, we do not develop depth; we become shallow. This is probably one reason why some people get depressed — depression is linked with the inability to wait.
Depression reminds us of our limitations, our humanity. To be human is to be limited, to fail, to not get what we want in the way we want. To fall and crawl toward any form of relief. But it is in the crawling and falling that we realize all our efforts are to no avail — unless we learn how to wait.
The Lament Psalms were written at a time when there were no antidepressants to soothe aching hearts. No pills to help us get that much sought for sleep. All people had was God. And so to God they went. They waited on the Lord. It is instructive that in Psalm 130, the psalmist says, he waits “for the Lord.” It does not say that he waits for healing (though that may be implied). Rather, he waits “for the Lord.” One of the things you realize as you wait is where true hope lies.
Theologian Richard Foster once wrote that the great need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people but for deep people. How do you develop depth? By waiting. How do you learn how to wait? Depression can help you learn what waiting means. You are forced to be in one place or condition and have the opportunity to learn what it means to stay, to linger, to remain over something for a period of time. It’s not something you like, given the choice. But because of your situation, you learn something valuable. It is not about gaining more information but about persisting, and despite (and due to) your condition, you develop depth.
As a result of my depression, it sometimes takes longer for me to grasp new ideas or understand a new book. I have to stay longer on one psalm or one verse. Because I’m stuck on a sentence, and because I have to persist, I linger on that sentence. In doing so, I see something or some things I would have missed had I not lingered. The emphasis on “waiting” in Psalm 130 is one of them. I would not have appreciated this psalm had it not been for my depression. I know what the psalmist is saying because I, too, have been waiting for a long time.
Magpuyat ka, magsunog ka ng kilay, at magpakadalubhasa ka sa isang talatang paulit-ulit mong binabasa dahil hindi mo maintindihan. Balang araw, sasagip ’yan ng buhay. Hindi ka bobo. Nahihirapan ka lang, pero patuloy ka pa ring lalaban.”
Loosely translated: Stay up all night, work hard, and become an expert at reading the same paragraph again and again because you just can’t get it right now. One day, that will save a life. You’re not dumb. You’re just having a tough time, but you’ll keep on fighting.